I hope you dance

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately.

I don’t have too many local girlfriends I can call up and say “Hey, let’s go out.” I have family nearby, neighbors, and some friends I’ve made through my current and previous employers. I’m not friend-less, by any means. We just all have lives and responsibilities and schedules, and it isn’t always easy to get together without proper planning.

Yesterday I was thinking about a particular friend and how I might reach out to her and see if she wants to go to dinner or lunch to catch up, then I remembered how the last few times I reached out to her, she left me hanging. I decided that I didn’t really want to do that again. Relationships take work from both people, you know? My time is just as valuable as anyone else’s time. It got me thinking of a few other friends who I’ve had similar experiences with recently.

I can appreciate that people have loaded schedules, lord knows I do most of the time. Juggling patients, graduate school, a thesis, internship, doctors’ appointments, coaching, and writing doesn’t leave much time for personal and family time, let alone a social life and leisure. I do what I can to try not to leave people hanging, but I’m sure I have a time or two.

Isn’t it just weird and a little sad to think about how time passes and people who were once significant parts of your life, in one way or another, sort of fade away?

It’s been almost a year since our fur-baby Daisy passed away. I was in such a dark place after we lost her; so incredibly sad. I felt like an actual piece of my heart was missing, she’d had that significant a role in my life. I was having a bad day about a month after she passed and wrote about it here. I was venting. Sad, upset, and frustrated with life and all the crap Brad and I had been dealt over the years. I wasn’t sharing for sympathy or anything like that. I was just being real and getting it all off my chest. After that post went live, a friend of mine from high school reached out to say she’d seen my post and was sending me a hug. It was such a nice gesture, something that probably took a minute of her time, and something I will probably remember for the rest of my life.

Gestures like that are priceless.

She and I don’t talk often at all and it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, a couple decades probably. But she saw I was sad and she sent me a hug. How cool is that? Isn’t that what we all should do? Not just comment on someone’s public post, but send them a message to let them know we’re really thinking about them? This friend doesn’t just share posts about mental health checks for friends, she actually does it. #friendshipgoals

Some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Author Unknown.

It’s hard coming to grips with the fact that some of the friendships I had in the past — ones I’ve treasured and are part of so many fond memories — may have reached their expiration dates. Our reason or season has ended, and as much as it may stink, I guess it’s okay. Moving on and growing is part of life, right? Constant motion. I’ll probably still see them on Facebook, but our days of personal check-ins have come and gone. Maybe our paths will cross again in the future — I’d like that — but I think it’s healthy to let go and make space for new friendships.

To all my old friends, I hope you dance.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’
Don’t let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin’ out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

Lee Ann Womack

Experiences, not things

Since Brad and I have been married, every year we’ve made a photo book out of our digital pictures through Shutterfly. While I was going through our 2019 photos, I noticed how much we did. We had so many new experiences throughout the year. I feel like every year we do a little bit more and I love it.

One of my reflections is to enjoy experiences, not things. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be collecting mugs, shot glasses, and other kitschy stuff. I just want to see more, to do more.

Brad and I have been talking about that a lot lately. We only get one life, you know? We can do the same stuff we always do, or we can experience new things. In 2019 we went to concerts, visited new places, painted, went to a hockey game, and spent time at the beach. We spent time with friends and family, doing new things in old places, like renting a cabana at the pool while on vacation. Tonight, we’re going to one of the local bowling alleys for a New Year’s Eve party. We’ve never gone out-out on New Year’s Eve before.

A while ago, I had a conversation with one of my sisters about stuff. I have my grandmother’s china and I hid it away in the cabinet because I didn’t want to damage it. She told me to use it. I have a bottle of wine I got at a vineyard in Sonoma Valley, California. She told me to drink it.

She’s absolutely right (and that’s not something I’d openly admit to, haha). What am I saving that stuff for? Plates are meant to hold food and wine is meant to be drunk. Drank? Drinked? I’m still sober, I promise. I’m just not good at grammar.

Things are cool. I’m not gonna lie. But why have stuff and not enjoy it? Open that bottle of wine and drink it with friends. Instead of staring adoringly at the bottle on your shelf, remember fondly the memories you made with people you love while you drank that wine.

Back to the cabana at the pool…we go to the same resort every year and we love it. We always have a great time with family. Out of all our vacations there, the time we recall and enjoyed the most was when we rented that cabana. It was something we’d always wanted to do and it was new and different. We had such a fun time, acting like royalty for a day. It was nothing epic, it was a small way we could enhance our experience and it certainly did.

It’s the little things, you know? We got a park pass this year and went to the beach and the Festival of Lights. We traveled to New York, North Carolina, Florida, and West Virginia. Man, seeing the beautiful mountains in and on our way to West Virginia was something.

We can’t take things with us when we’re gone. Some may say we can’t take our memories of our experiences, either. Maybe that’s true. But I’ll tell you what…when I’m in my final hour and I’m thinking about my life, you can bet I’ll be reminiscing about the good times I had. I’m not going to be thinking about my clothes or my car or my computer or even my shot glasses. I’m going to be remembering all the good times I had. Isn’t that what we do when we celebrate the life of a lost loved one? We remember the times we had with that person, rather than the stuff that person had? We remember the type of person they were, not the things they bought.

May your new year be filled with experiences that will last a lifetime.
❤
xoxo
Jen

Aunt Life

I shared in my last post that my family has experienced some loss lately. The most recent was my Aunt Barbara, my dad’s sister. She had breast cancer, not the same as mine, and it eventually spread to other areas of her body. I last saw her when I was in New York for my other aunt’s funeral, but I’ve talked to her on the phone since. I can still hear her voice and her sass. I hope I never forget what she sounds like. I have a lot of my father’s traits, and I’d like to think I have some of my Aunt Barbara’s, too.

I used to spend a lot of time with her when I was little. I went to stay with her and my grandmother occasionally and we’d go shopping, play bingo, and hang around the house. I’d bring my toys or my bike and just play. I remember that I would spend hours using the staircase as some kind of apartment community for my troll dolls or Barbies. We’d also do most major holidays at her house, too, since she lived downstairs from my grandmother. It was a home away from home.

All losses suck, but hers really sucks. She was an awesome aunt and, until my sisters talked about it, I hadn’t really thought about her as a teacher. She taught us how to be aunts. Yes, we have more than one aunt, but she was our constant. Birthdays, holidays, milestones…she was always there. She set an example for how an aunt should be, and while I have absolutely slacked here and there (who doesn’t?), I intend on changing that. I want to be the Aunt Barbara of aunts because she was so good at it – the gold standard, if you will. She may not have been perfect in all ways, but no one is. She loved me and my sisters hard. Years from now I want my nieces and nephews to remember me in the same fond way.

This was something else I’ve been thinking about lately. How important the role of an aunt is in a child’s life. We’re friends and we’re family. We are full of love and tons of fun. We’d do just about anything for our nieces and nephews. The same could be said for uncles, I guess. I can’t wait to watch my nieces and nephews grow up and turn into awesome people, and I’m looking forward to being there and supporting them (or spoiling them, haha) along the way.

Merry Christmas!

Brad and I had a great holiday spent with family. We were spoiled rotten, as usual, and indulged in some delicious food.

I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting these past few weeks. As we near the end of every year, I think we all spend a little time reflecting. Maybe more so this time around since it’s the end of a decade. What were we doing 10 years ago? What were we doing 20 years ago? How have our lives changed? How are they the same?

I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately and I’ve wanted to write about it, but I’ve felt like I needed to organize my thoughts so I’m not bouncing all over the place. I’m still not quite sure my thoughts are organized, but I’m working on it.

I guess my biggest take-away from the last few years has been mortality. I was diagnosed with and survived cancer in 2017-2018. Part of me feels like I’ve been given a second gift of life and I need to take advantage of that. I had a conversation with a fellow cancer survivor recently and he told me that I didn’t owe anyone anything. I believe that, but I do feel like I owe a little something to myself. I feel like I need to take this chance and use it. I need to take care of my mind and my body. I need to live…because that’s what I’m meant to do. I’m meant to live, and I think I’m also meant to do great things. Things I won’t be able to do if I don’t live every day to its fullest potential. How cliché, right?

Anyway, I’m a work in progress with all those things. I’m working on my physical and my emotional health. I’m exercising daily and I have a great fitness and nutrition support group. I also got this fun little book that has me spending a little bit of time each day on myself, it’s called Zen as F*ck. Excuse the language, but it’s so appropriate for my mindset and attitude. I’m also volunteering with the American Cancer Society, and that’s helping me on the “do great things” thing…that and my day-to-day work as an ABA therapist. It’s some of the most fulfilling work I’ve ever done in my life.

2018 and 2019 had some lows that also had me thinking about mortality. We lost three loved ones in 2018 and three in 2019. I’ve heard people say that death comes in threes, and I wish it weren’t true. Four out of the six deaths were cancer related. Two of them were friends who were taken far too soon. I went to two of the four funerals in New York. It’s always bittersweet, because the loss of a loved one sucks, but getting to see my relatives is nice. If only we weren’t always meeting up for a funeral.

So, this is part one of my year-end reflection. A summary of sorts. I’ll be back in the next few days to share more about some of the bigger things I’ve been thinking about.

When the going gets tough…

I heard someone on the radio talking about how people often quit when things get too difficult. They use some idiom about how it wasn’t meant to be or it’s not the right time, etc. when in reality, it IS the right time, they just have to push through the tough parts.

This resonated with me, particularly at this time in my life when I’m working on finishing my thesis for my masters program, and completing a graduate certificate for my certification all while going to school, trying to get my fieldwork experience in, writing, trying to be the healthiest version of me, and so on and so on and so on. The end of my academic journey is so near, but it’s so much work! I’d never give up after getting so far, but when I heard that guy saying that stuff, I was like HECK YEAH!! Absolutely!! It always gets harder at the end. Look at those obstacle courses on the ninja warrior shows, they never have you finish on a downward slide, it’s always an uphill climb.

So yeah…something to think about.

Phrase of the year

I’ve seen a lot of my friends post on their blogs or on social media that they have discovered their word of the year. It’s a word they’ve chosen (or a word that has chosen them) that will guide them throughout the year.

Well, I’m not sure about a word, but I’ve found a phrase that I’m pretty sure defines me.

“She believed she could, so she did.”

What does this mean to me? Exactly what it says. If I believe I can do something, I do it. I’m not wishy washy about it, I’m confident. If it fails then it fails, but at least I tried.

• I believed I could write, so I did.
• I believed I could raise money for a cause, so I did.
• I believed I could become a BCBA, so I did (in process).
• I believed I could organize a major fundraising event, so I did.

I’m not sure if this phrase could equate to just one word. I keep thinking something like “determination” or “unstoppable” or “fearless.” But those words can mean so many different things, and I feel like this phrase leaves no room for interpretation. It’s straightforward, and I like that about it because I’m also straightforward.

Anyway, do you have a word or phrase of the year? Or if your life? Do share.

What’s in a victory?

I’m in a couple fitness groups. One is on Facebook and the other is a challenge group with other people living the lifestyle.

It’s been a week since I’ve fully committed to this again. Back in the beginning of this year I had some major losses with inches and pounds. This time, not so much. I still lost, but the numbers weren’t as high so it gave me pause. I did the self-doubt thing, the shaming. Then I straightened myself out. Loss is loss. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. I could have gained muscle, which weighs more than fat, so the scale wouldn’t have reflected that. Not to mention, I have non scale victories! I can sit up just by using my core. I don’t need to use my legs to grip onto or propel myself forward. I feel better, emotionally and physically. Whether or not I see it on the scale or on the measuring tape, I can FEEL the difference, and that’s huge!

So I’m going to exercise again today, tomorrow, and the next day. I’m going to do it because it makes me feel good.

This is the part where you find out who you are.

One of my Facebook friends posted this today and it resonated with me so much that I felt the need to share it here right now.

This is me in 2019. This is me now. I’m cancer-free, BS free, and working on maintaining a healthy mind and body in the new year and forever.

This isn’t “another one of those new year’s resolution” posts that we see so many of and criticize. Shame on us for that, too. We should always be lifting our friends up, not letting them down. If they’re making an effort to get healthy, we should be their biggest cheerleaders, regardless the circumstances. Maybe they’re doing it for the 12th time because they didn’t get the support they so desperately needed but were too embarrassed or proud to ask for in the past, so they’re having to do it again and again. Let’s lift those friends up.

This is a lifestyle change. A mind and body cleanse and overhaul. I’m eating healthy again and ready to be active. I’m ready to exercise my mind and do some personal development as well.

This is the part where I find out who I am.

How about you?

Conflicted

I’ve been lucky. I’m going into 2019 cancer-free. I have friends who are not as lucky. There are many people who aren’t as lucky. It’s just one of my motivations for joining the Relay For Life.

Around this time of year, we often think about resolutions. We think about what we want for ourselves in the new year, and what we don’t want.

I may sound like a kindergartner here, but it’s my blog so I really don’t care (point proven). And, for the record, kudos to kindergarteners for being transparent about their feelings. More people should do that and then maybe our world wouldn’t be so messed up and dishonest. Back to my stuff…

Things I tend to carry with me year to year are … wait for it … grudges. It’s not like I sit around festering about things, but when I see someone I have a grudge against, or hear their name, I’m always reminded of whatever they did to piss me off in the first place, and for that moment, I get pissed at them all over again. I’m not necessarily “present mad” at the person, but it reminds me of the “past mad,” and I do get a little “present mad.” This may seem petty, but it’s no joke! There’s someone who got on my shit list more than 10 years ago, and that “past mad” still makes me “present mad.” Granted, that person consistently does things to piss me off, so they’re forever renewing their spot on my list, but still… The same actually goes for when people hurt my feelings and make me sad. I never forget it.

So this year, with all the good I have going in my life, I’ve been speculating this. On one hand, I wonder if I need to remove these people from my life completely. Why keep people in my life who make me unhappy? On the other hand, I wonder if I should just let it all go. Can I just put all the grudges in little bubbles and let them float away? Or write them all down and set them on fire?? Ha. I wish I was kidding. It’s something that’s been heavy on my mind.

Either way, I want to go into 2019 without these burdens. I want to be the best me, and carrying old grudges (and making new ones) isn’t a productive use of my time. So what do I do?

There is no easy answer, but over the next few weeks I am going to try to let go of the things I can’t control. I’m always telling Brad to do that. When he’s upset about something someone did, I tell him he can’t control other people and their outcomes, so he shouldn’t let it bother him. He shouldn’t let someone else ruin his day in that way. I tell him to put it in a balloon and let it float away. Apparently, I don’t practice what I preach.

But I am going to try. I’m going to try to let go of my grudges. If for nothing else than to be a big “screw you” to any of those people who may have been enjoying getting a negative reaction from me. They’re either not going to get it, or they’ll get the opposite of what they’re looking for. Some people are just like that. They’re sour, rotten, and miserable in their own lives so they find ways to negatively affect someone else so that someone else feels as miserable as they do. Then they hide behind their confidences when they’re not really that confident at all. It’s a shame.

Anyway…I’ll be working on this cleansing of sorts. I’ll share whatever I choose to do and whether it works. I really want to go into 2019 with my mind being as healthy as my body.

And sleep…sleep would be great.

A lot to be thankful for…

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you get stuffed, and I mean that in the best way. ❤

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

First of all, I can take full advantage of the holidays because I don’t have to worry about the side effects of chemo leaving me feeling like garbage. I managed to skip a week of chemo at Thanksgiving so I could enjoy that holiday with my family, but later, my sick week fell right across the week of Christmas. It was lovely.

Of course, I’m also thankful that I’m healthy and cancer free. I’m no longer pissed at my body for getting cancer, but thankful that it kicked cancer’s ass and that I was healthy enough to undergo and recover from the surgeries necessary to make me better. Yes, I may still have one surgical drain left, but I can live with that. Key word: live.

I’m thankful for my family and friends. They’ve been really amazing and supportive throughout this experience and knowing I had that safety net made my mental health a lot better than it could have been.

Same with my medical team. I never felt like I had to worry, that’s some serious confidence right there. I’m thankful I could have that support.

While I’m thankful for a lot of other stuff, I feel like it’s important to add that I’m thankful for all the things I ever took for granted while being “normal.” You don’t know until you’re limited in some way how easy you once had it. So I guess I’m thankful for that perspective. I’m thankful I can brush off the petty little things that may have bothered me before and worry about the real stuff. You know? Because, quite honestly, there isn’t all that much “real stuff.”

Granted, this isn’t true for everyone and everything, but it sure makes me roll my eyes a lot more often. Ha.